30 Years

It has been 30 years since you went away. I didn’t know it then. I was far away living my life, miles away. 30 years ago today, you told the world you had enough and your family was thrown into turmoil. It wasn’t that you meant to hurt them. I know you thought of them. It was just that at that moment, in the dark, with angst, emotional pain and despair, you decided it was your last day. Or maybe you didn’t think of it that way. All you knew was you needed the pain to end.

I did not hear the gunshot…or did I, and thought it was just a faraway noise? Shouldn’t I have heard the sound that took you away? I know you were miles, moments, and years away from me, but shouldn’t I have heard it? Though you were hiding in my heart as I lived my life, I should have heard and felt the rocket of your spirit leaving your body. I should have seen your blue eyes close.

I think I drive your sister nuts. She is the only one I know that also loves you. She is the only one that can console me. You see, for me, you have been gone for only one year when it really has been 30.

Unexpected grief is so painful. Unexpected grief knocks your legs out from under you. Unexpected grief is a heaviness in your chest that doesn’t go away. There is a constant stab of memories, forgotten memories that you search for, guilt for living, regret when you want to say more things. The only thing to do is walk forward. And I am lucky. I have a husband and family to walk with. They can’t know or share my sadness but at least I have them to love. I have a whole, complete life that I have and continue to live, that you didn’t. You, of all people. You deserved the world, you were that kind, that genuine. I cry for you because you didn’t get the life you deserved. I cry because I wrote that I loved you but didn’t say it. I cry for all the times I thought you were happy in Maine when you were in heaven. You were in heaven but you should have been in Maine.

I don’t know how this ends. I guess in time I will cry less but still remember and love you. I will find moments in the trees and wind and thank God that you smiled at me. I don’t think I will ever find an answer to the injustice but it is not mine to know. Maybe, in the infinite world, you signed up for this life, with its sacrifices and pain. I will never know. All I know is that I am so happy I got to know you, even if it was for brief moments, hours, days, weeks, months. You hid yourself, my friend. You hid yourself and our memories very well, deep in my heart, but you were always there. Can you hear me when I say “ I love you” in the wind?